Sexual libido not only varies from person to person, it can change and evolve over time based on gender, age and multiple physical factors that range from your personal health to stress levels at work. So what do you do when you feel you and your partner aren't on the same page?
While sex drives change over time, a sudden change in libido whether it is an increase or decrease may be the sign of something more serious. If your partner's libido suddenly comes out of its normal behaviour, be sure to consult the proper medical professional first. A sudden switch in libido may be attributed to various hormone problems related to thyroid or pancreatic issues, mental issues such as stress, depression or bipolar disorders, or the onset of erectile dysfunction in men.
Next, be sure there are no factors in your relationship causing the imbalance. Are you or partner mad at each other? Is there passive-aggressive behaviour happening because of something going on between you two? The issues need to be discussed resolved before moving on.
Communicate clearly
It's totally normal and very important to keep your partner aware of how you're feeling in terms of sex drive. Why? If you're not in the mood because of a big stressful task at work that you just can't take your mind off, be sure to tell your partner. If you're not feeling well and just want to rest up and recuperate, make sure your partner is aware. There is nothing worse than not communicating and then leaving your partner hanging; this can cause them to jump to unwarranted conclusions or feeling unnecessarily rejected when you don't jump in. In contrast, the same can be true if you are especially in the mood: by communicating in a flirty or playful fashion that the time is right for you, you can feel out your partner's mood as well without overcommitting yourself or putting them in a bad spot.
It's OK to say "no" ... but you should spell out the path to "yes"
The common question I get asked is "is it OK to turn down a partner for sex if you're really not in the mood?". The answer is yes of course, but a lot of the subsequent relationship fallout is related to how you do it. Did you acknowledge your partner's desire? Did you act in a way that took their feelings into consideration? Regardless of how justified you feel in declining, saying no is a form of rejection. Although you are being honest on your part, it may cause hurt feelings in your partner.
The best way is to avoid the situation altogether; it's not fun for either of you when you have to reject your partner, which touches on what was mentioned above by communicating clearly. If your partner does ask you or if you feel they are strongly hinting, you can still say "no" - but be sure to clearly tell your partner why and when you will be able to join in. For example, if you're currently stressed out about a presentation at work tomorrow, tell your partner how you really want to take time to prepare this evening and it's all you have on your mind right now. Then, throw in that after you're finally done with this presentation you'll definitely want to blow off some steam tomorrow night. This is much better than brushing off your partner with a swift comment because you feel you're too busy.
You can offer alternatives ... but don't treat it as a favour
Not every sexual encounter has to be about you both having mind-blowing, toe curling orgasms (better if it does of course). If your partner has a higher sex drive than you do, think of what would be a suitable encounter where they can get what they need while removing the pressure off you to perform if you're not really up for it.
You know your partner better than anyone. What can you do to take telling them "no way we're doing that" into something like "how about we do this instead?". Ideas can range from:
- a quickie
- using a sex toy
- giving/receiving oral
- intercourse and having only them climax
- having intercourse with the help of personal lubricants or enhancers
- a role-playing game where the focus is only on them
Time to talk about the M-word
It's interesting to see that because you're married the perception is that your partner will provide and cater for all your sexual needs, all the time, and on demand ... rendering masturbation a thing of the past. First, it is perfectly normal to continue masturbating even when married. It only really becomes a problem when it begins to replace actual sexual encounters you would or should be having with your partner. Masturbating when in a committed relationship is perfectly healthy and should be guilt-free; and by no ways should be seen as a disrespect to your partner.
With that being said, each person is different and each relationship is different. If you haven't already, it's time to ask yourself the question: have you and your partner ever broached the subject of masturbation? If not, why? Would you want to know if and how often your partner handles things themselves? Talking about it can bring a very reasonable and healthy alternative to let you balance unmatched sex drives while not letting your partner feel isolated, guilty or unattractive. There's also nothing hotter than offering to join in by watching or just being there while they do it. Until you try it, you'll have no idea how hot it is to have someone nibbling on your ear while you buff you muffin :0)
-BSYNH
