Every person is different. Because of this, every relationship is also different. One trend that arises as a result of individual tastes or preferences is how couples deal in a relationship to differences in their sex life. Sex is part of our personality: the frequency, the duration, with who and how and where are all part of what makes us unique. One area that often comes up as a delicate situation is with tastes and preferences, especially in monogamous married couples. So what do you do when tastes don't line up with your spouse's way of doing things?
Build an open base for Communication with your Partner
I have mentioned it countless times and this basic first step seems to be the most neglected of all: you should be talking to your partner constantly about your sexual relationship. Couples will invest countless hours over the course of a year talking about everything from finances, vacation destinations to meal planning ... but a fraction (if any) of the same time about their sex life. How much do you know about your partner sexually? Can you name your spouse's biggest sexual fantasy? Can they name yours? Do you know what turns them on most?
If you are not communicating with your partner open an honestly, then this needs to be sorted out immediately before building a healthy and evolving sex life moving forward.
Fantasies come in all shapes and sizes .. and yes, yours are normal
No, you're not weird and no you're not the only one to have a sexual fantasy that you think is odd or off-the-wall. At no point should you (a) feel embarrassed for your fantasy and (b) think your partner will consider you a weirdo if you approach them with it.
To put things into context, want to know what variety of naughty dreams are being cooked up the minds of your friends, neighbours, coworkers and family members (and they're not telling you about)? Have a look at what a recent study (done of 1500 men and women by expert researcher Christian Joyal in 2014) found :
- More than half of women (52 percent) fantasized about being tied up to obtain sexual pleasure, compared to 46 percent of men.
- Between 30 and 60 percent of women described fantasizing about themes associated with submission (for instance, being tied up, spanked, or forced to have sex).
- Ten percent of men, compared to 3.5 percent of women, fantasized about having their partner urinate on them.
- More than 40 percent of women said they fantasized about having a partner ejaculate on them.
- Around one-third of women, and 44 percent of men, fantasized about being filmed or photographed while having sex.
Understand your own tastes / fantasies / desires
Fantasies can come from various sources. Some may be based on things seen online, from people around you, television or images/ideals in society. Many erotic fantasies also stem from early memories, the first images you find arousing. It is important to understand your fantasy and to try to see if it fits best in which category:
- Pure fantasy: something that will never be acted on, either because it is impossible or you are content enough keeping it virtual (example having sex with a famous actor).
- OK to keep these in your head, yet you are still encouraged to talk these over with your partner ... and ask for theirs too!
- Curiosity fantasy: something you find arousing that you've always wanted to try, see where it leads (most popular examples include bisexual encounters or having multiple partners)
- Talk to your partner ... would be they up for exploring with you or participating in some way? Are they curious too? Would they considerate this a turn-on?
- Adventure fantasy: Something daring or risky that is more adrenaline rush than sexual exploration (a popular one is sex in public)
- A good way to feel this one out with your partner is to bring it up in the right situation
- Vicarious fantasy: a fantasy that is more of a preference or taste that you would like see develop into your long term sex life (example: fantasizing your current partner would act in a different way sexually)
- This could make for a good talking point with your partner but be sure not to make it negative or discussed in a way that seems to give the perception they need to change for you to maintain your feelings for them.
- Personal fantasy: something you want to think about on your own, and may or may not want your partner to be aware of (examples include far-fetched daydreams but can also include deeper activities such as cutting or self-bondage)
- Up to you on whether you want to keep these private; but if you can't open up to this with your soulmate, then who?
Approaching the Subject with your Partner
There are many keys to approaching your spouse when discussing sexual fantasy and if you want to pursue fulfilling it.
- Talk openly. There is nothing wrong with pulling your partner aside or having some pillowtalk time after an encounter. Ask open questions where your partner can answer you honestly and you can also talk freely. There should be no judgement and you should keep an open mind in the same sense as you would expect of them.
- Can you talk in a way that will help you find common ground? Are there any similarities or preferences you already have that may lead you to think your spouse may be into your fantasy? If so, see how you can build on them to live them out.
- Can you trade fantasies? If you can agree to openly put both your top fantasies on the table with no judgement, why not establish some basic ground rules and take turns acting on each of them on different occasions?
- Would they be OK with you pursuing other avenues to fulfill it? If your partner is not up for helping you live out a fantasy, would they be open to letting you do it some other way? Would they be interested in watching you or have some other form of participation? For these types of discussions remember to please try to put yourself in your partner's shoes and ask answer yourself honestly if you would be OK with the same proposed arrangement if it were the other way.
- Explain what will happen next. Your partner may fear acting on a fantasy (either yours or theirs) as they are afraid it may change things moving forward between you too. They will often wonder "will they want this all the time?" and "will this be the only way to satisfy them from now on?" An honest discussion needs to take place where you both decide before acting on the fantasy. You also need to discuss what to do if it doesn't turn out being as hot and sexy as hoped for (brush it off? try again later?). By talking about what happens tomorrow morning, you help relieve pressure off yourself and your partner, while keeping it fun.
- Book a fantasy date. Book a sexual encounter with your spouse where one of you sets up a fantasy scenario. Discuss briefly beforehand what will happen so no one is caught off guard. You can provide hints, details or sexy instructions leading up to it. Take turns and make this a recurring fixture in your sex life if it's a success.
- Get inspired. Sometimes the best way to get your partner to understand what you mean is to show them. What a video clip, movie or look at some pictures of what you find hot and want to try. This is a good way to gauge their reaction and see if they would be in.
- It may be better to just decide to keep it a fantasy. There is nothing wrong with keeping a fantasy, well ... a fantasy. People fantasize about many things in life and it's perfectly normal to have something that you are content to keep in your daydreams and imagination and that it is never acted upon. It may also be something you prefer to keep private and only to yourself. The risk of acting on fantasy is being disappointed if it does not live up to your expectations. But in turn, there is nothing wrong with sharing details of this fantasy with your partner if you so desire.
- Most importantly, you need to both be consensual with the final decision. No matter what the outcome, you and your partner need to discuss this thoroughly and openly, and then agree on what to do (or not do) before you act on it. Doing so will help your relationship over the long term which is usually not worth risking a short-term fantasy for.
Sweet dreams everyone :0)
-BSYNH
