The sexual landscape has changed over time and a question that would seldom arise years ago is now becoming more and more predominant. We're married. But how can we do a threesome without looking like weirdos or getting someone upset?
Recent data shows that 1 out of every 5 of men and women have had a threesome at some point in their lives; a staggering climb from previous years, especially for an act that was relegated to the outskirts of sexual deviancy only a few decades ago. What's more astounding is a growing trend of these people experiencing threesomes are married, and doing the deed with their current partner. So why the sudden change?
It's hard to tell for sure, but experts point to the fact that many married couples today have already had multiple partners before tying the knot to their current spouse. This leads to people being more sexually experienced, meaning (a) they can get bored easily with a ho-hum love life, and (b) as a matter of pride, want to make sure they are the best lover the partner has had. As a result, married couples are more creative in the bedroom today than ever before, bringing on things like the rise of "mommy porn" and what is now termed as the "soft" threesome.
A soft threesome differs from the traditional definition in that the third person is more of an accessory to a couple's sexual activity, and may not be involved in direct intercourse with members of the couple. This "soft" aspect has allowed the threesome to find its way into a monogamous relationship. Here are some of the conditions that will make a soft threesome fun and satisfying for married couples:
It has to be a common goal for both of you.
Soft threesomes will work best if both partners are in. This should not be one partner's fantasy, and the other partner should not feel forced into doing it. A lot of discussion should take place beforehand, setting the rules and what the expectation is. If both partners are OK, take this on as a challenge as a couple. It's you and your spouse, you will cross this off your couples' bucket list.
It should be a once-in-a-lifetime event.
I 've never recommended that this should become the lifestyle for married couples. If people are into swinging or other types of multiple-partner relationships, there needs to be a discussion about having an open marriage. For couples in a traditional monogamous marriage, my recommendation is to treat a threesome as a one-time event that you will do, enjoy and experience once together as a couple. You can then cross it off the list and move on.
Don't do it with someone you know.
That old free-spirit college roommate or that single friend who's a bit of a lush should not be on your list of people to try to pull in. My recommendation for this type of activity has always been to do the deed, then cut and run. Doing something like this with someone you know could leave you with some unwanted baggage after the fun is over, namely:
- your relationship with them may end up being awkward
- they may ask for a favour in return that you're not open to doing
- it will include them in the memory of what you and your partner are doing
- it can turn ugly if ever you end the friendship on a bad note
While prostitution is an illegal activity, soft threesomes that do not involve intercourse with the third party does not technically qualify as prostitution or solicitation, which is why many of these agencies operate freely out in the open. If in doubt, check your local laws.
Don't do it at home.
I've always recommended to even the most liberal couples to do these type of activities anywhere else but at home. First, there is safety: you may not want certain types of people coming into your home, or knowing where you live. Second, a physical separation from your ordinary routine is a much needed benefit for these types of explorations. Your mind will subconsciously say "we're not at home, this is a one-time thing that is happening here only, away from my normal life". Rent a hotel room in a reputable establishment and order in a service of your choosing. Or, make this activity part of a vacation or couples-only trip / weekend away.
You're probably better off pulling in a woman.
Not to slight the female fantasy of having two men, it's much harder to keep a threesome "soft" with two males involved (no pun intended). In general, a woman will have a higher chance of pleasing both partners, especially considering the fact that studies show most women (over 82%) are subconsciously bisexual. Unfortunately the same is not true for men and may lead to problems with the threesome.
The third party should only be an accessory to you and your spouse.
The third party should only be there to help along with the foreplay, get your motors running and take in the show while you and your partner have intercourse. How close and how personal they get is up to you. Activities for the third party can include physical contact with one partner while the other watches, suggestive actions and grabbing / touching while you two are doing the deed in the end. At no point should they take your spouses' focus off you.
Set the rules in advance: be clear, speak up if you don't like what's happening.
Setting rules will ensure no one feels betrayed or gets hurt feelings from what unfolds in the heat of the moment. Rules don't need to be boring; they can be firm but fun. Think along the lines of "OK, we're doing this but only I get to play with her - you watch us all you want, enjoy, and play with me". With a professional service, you can make these rules known before starting and they will be more than happy to comply and respect them along the way. If at any point things aren't going as planned, put on the brakes and pull your partner aside.
Have fun and enjoy it!
A threesome (regardless of being soft) is seen as the apex of sexual conquest. As I mentioned above, this should be treated as a couples' objective: something you both want to do, have accomplished, enjoyed and have shared together. The memories will be you and your spouse's little secret that you will hold onto as long as you can remember.
Shhhhh. ;0)
-BSYNH
UPDATE: What did some of our readers tell us about soft threesomes? Find out here.
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