The Four Types of Sex Essential for Your Marriage

It isn't the quantity, it's a mix of balance and having all four of these elements.

One of the most common questions or complaints that couples unhappy with their sex life are usually related to (a) someone feels they just aren't having enough and (b) the current sex life is too boring, leading to a loss of interest / motivation / fun.

Here's what we tell these couples: it comes down to the four groups or types of sex that every married couple should be experiencing and maintaining. How much of each type? That varies from couple to couple. Some may need more of one type over another because of their personalities. Other will have mostly one type because of their personal schedule. But over the course of a year, the healthiest and happiest sex lives all show elements of all four groups.

The Quick Sex.

This is the category of spontaneous sex, quickies and spur-of-the moment encounters. Quick sex fills in the gaps between more standard sexual encounters, requires little effort, adapts to a busy life schedule and just unfolds or happens on the spot. Think of this as your favorite fast food restaurant. It's there when you need something quick, easy and you know it will always satisfy you, even on short notice. But like fast-food, it's not healthy to survive on it alone. In some cases you may not have a choice ("quick honey, the kids are finally down for their naps") and there is nothing wrong with doing so, but it cannot be the only type of sex you have with your partner.

The Standard Sex.

This would be you normal, non-rushed sexual encounter. Think of your Saturday night special in the bedroom with your spouse. Standard sex is the backbone of any married relationship; it may happen on short notice, or at regular or predetermined intervals. This is like your favorite casual dining restaurant. You're comfortable, you know you'll be happy with the service and you always go for your standard favorite on the menu. It rarely disappoints and you will always make a point of going back on a regular basis, but it is somewhat predictable in its nature in how it will unfold.

The Passionate Sex.

Whether generated from either romantic or purely lustful intentions, passionate sex maintains the fire in your relationship. It is usually characterized by longer sessions, and may be slow and gentle or intense and physical. It can be unpredictable and animal-like; there is a also a deep sense in each partner of focusing on pleasing the other partner. In general, it is more intricate; kind of like dining at a fancy restaurant. Most couples won't feel the need to (or be able to) go to high-end restaurants on a regular basis, but will indulge on special occasions or when they want a break from the usual.

The Gourmet Sex.

Gourmet sex is based on trying new things; it keeps a couple's sex life fresh, fun and prevents stagnation / boredom. This is the time to experiment, to evolve your sex life and grow together as a couple. Examples include trying new positions, playing with games or sex toys, role playing or dabbling with fetishes like BDSM and such. Think of this as the new restaurant that opened in town. You've heard interesting things about it, but you've never been. Why not try it out with your spouse? Worst case, you won't go back. Or maybe it will become a new favorite. You won't know if you don't try.

How well can you and your spouse identify with the four types of sex? You can have more of one type than the other, but it's healthiest to make the effort and dabble from all four over the course of a year.

-BSYNH