Question of the Day: Sex Life is Suffering Because of Marriage Rough Patch

 "My husband and I are going through a bit of a marriage rough patch and as a result our sex life is suffering. Besides the arguments, I feel the loss of intimacy is making things worse and is adding further to our frustrations and resentment towards each other. How do we get out of this?"

-DH

Every marriage hits its rocky points, even the ones built on the strongest foundations. I’ll refer us back to the three Cs that I wrote about earlier this week which are essentially your “superpowers” that you have accrued over the length of your marriage, and can help get you out of this situation.

Connection:

 

You and your spouse share a special, unique connection between the two of you. Can you think back to other things you’ve overcome together in your relationship leading up to and including your marriage years? What helped you through those times? Now that you worked through it and it’s in the past, think what you would say to yourselves if you could send a message back in time to you at the lowest point of the conflict.  Would that advice apply now? Reflect on this to build your confidence that yes, there will be a light at the end of the tunnel (because you two always find a way!) and then work with your partner to spread the feeling of “we’re going to solve this, it’s just a matter of figuring it out”.

 

Communication:

 

It is only normal that your sex life suffers as of result of relationship conflicts. While some couples feel the need to “force through it” with the sex, many times couples will find out the hard way that make-up sex does not mean the real problem is resolved. I always suggest taking care of the other parts first, and then the sex will follow. Communication is always the first step. Talk to each other in a open and honest manner using these simple steps and try to avoid personalizing (blaming) the issues:

• Take turns stating what you believe the problem is
• Look beyond to see if this is a symptom of another problem, if so, take care of that problem
• What possible things would each of you do to resolve the problem
• Decide which solution works best for the two of you. 

Comfort:

 

It is quite common that couples used to a regular sex life will tend to feel more distant and vulnerable when your normal sex routines are put aside due to conflicts outside the bedroom. As a result, what you may be feeling is your comfort level with your partner has dropped due to increased feelings of tension or resentment. If you feel that around your partner you are walking on eggshells or at risk of saying the wrong thing and setting them off, you will need to do some work to return yourselves back into the comfort zone. Simple exercises like going back to basics (thinking of all the reasons you love each other, listing the positives about your partner) may be the first step to put things back in perspective. Is the issue you are going through really as bad as it seems when put into this context? Has it changed the way you see your spouse and how they see you today? Tomorrow? 10 years from now?

 

Once you have restored your connection, the lines of communication and your comfort level, your sex life will return to normal, or perhaps even better than before. Good luck,

-BSYNH

 

 

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