Well, I have news for you: I'm pretty sure nothing in your busy life happens spontaneously, does it?
Alas, it is true so many times. Couples come bearing fears that the romance is gone, the spark is out and that they simply don't have the time to maintain a healthy, growing sex life together. Why isn't he whisking me off my feet at the end of the day? Why is she always too tired or has a headache?
I've always wondered where exactly these expectations of 100% spouse availability for sex comes from. Why is it that just because you live under the same roof you will automatically fall into bed together and have spontaneous, mind-blowing sex? Is this really realistic in today's world?
The fact of the matter is that although spontaneous sex is great and it can be fun, your relationship cannot survive on it alone when you're going through a busy patch. Here's why:
Your sex was never that spontaneous to begin with.
Think back to when you were dating your spouse; before you both had the commitments and busy schedule you do today. You set up dates. You made plans. You cleared your calendar and reserved your time for each other. Let's be honest: deep down inside, you knew exactly what was going to happen after that Saturday night movie when it would be time to drive back and do the drop-off. You were subconsciously making time for sex, romance, physical intimacy. You prepared for it, thought about it all day, anticipated it, took care of each sexy detail like grooming, choosing your underwear, your perfume / cologne and making sure you would feel - well - goddam sexy and ready for your partner.
Fast forward to today. Do you and your partner still make "dates"? Probably not. Do you reserve your time and clear your calendar? Doubt it. Yet then you wonder why it feels like you and your spouse were so much more romantic before getting married. The better question should be why have you stopped dating and making time for intimacy?
You can't expect your spouse to always be ready and willing 100% of the time.
One of the most frustrating things for a spouse is to have their advances rejected by the other partner. Most of the time, it's for a valid reason but the rejection still stings and hurts the ego. It also hurts the other way as the spouse who declines may feel guilty, pressured or insensitive for letting the other down, or even worse, may go ahead with it and try to force it or fake it which can lead to disappointing results.
Life is busy and there will be times when you're just not in the mood, or they are not. It's normal. Working out a planned time that would have the best chance of working for you both isn't awkward, it's plain obvious. In the end, it will also leave you both less frustrated and stop any chance of developing disappointment, hurt feelings or resentment which can be poisonous in any relationship.
Knowing a sexual encounter is coming up is so much more fun.
Above I briefly touched on the powerful thought of anticipation, and this is something that many couples underestimate. Planning a sexual encounter with your partner may seem odd at first, but the lead-up will make it all worth it. Knowing that your partner will be available for you builds confidence and raises your morale. This then leads to great things like flirting. If you book a sex date with your partner, make sure you take full advantage and fill the week with flirting. Suggestive texts, seductive kisses and up close and personal "previews" of what's to come will make the week fun and be a natural aphrodisiac.
It might be the only way to get real quality couple time.
For couples with young kids, the sheer logistics of finding the time to be intimate may be enough to dry up even the most ravenous sex life. In certain cases, your planning will involve taking the time to send the kids over to a friend's sleepover, getting a babysitter and heading out or staying in and setting up somewhere private and out of earshot of you sleeping children. Booking a date in advance is the only way to work all this out, or else not much is going to happen.
For couples with stressful or demanding jobs, a booked encounter gives prior warning to be ready and willing for some quality time with your partner. Although opening your calendars to negotiate a date night around your work schedules may not be romantic by traditional terms, it may be necessary. While your job is important, at least for one night that week you'll do whatever it takes to be sure to come home refreshed and without a headache, which is much more manageable.
There are many ways to make planned sex spontaneous and exciting.
Planned sex is only boring if it becomes routine. The good news is there are many ways of not making it routine. There's nothing saying that you can't reserve the time on your calendars but leave it as a question mark. Take your planned encounters and turn them into something new and adventurous: bedroom games, role playing and taking turns setting up surprises for your partner will add elements of surprise and excitement. Change your sexual habits often, avoid the routine, explore and try news things, at least once. There will be no complaints after that.
Getting back to "calendar dating" is one of the easiest fixes in this busy world for a sex life that is falling by the wayside. There is nothing wrong with being open and honest with your spouse and booking time to have quality adult fun with them.
-BSYNH
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